Mindwhack

Big question. Big gamble.

So here I am, considering that my life purpose is to help someboy, at least for now. I have been down this path before and I’ve experienced two very different outcomes.

You can be batshit crazy or you can be…surprisingly right. Once upon a time my dream was to be a best friend, long story short is that I did it and I’d like to think that it helped my “best friend”. Or at least his brother… I’m scared because the human mind can believe so many queer things and find evidence to support even the whackiest of theories. But when you get down to it, beliefs can never be fully tested and they should only be there to help you, and hopefully those around you.

I want to help this boy, maybe…it’s a guy I really used to like–still do. Like never before. Ever since I met him I’ve only been going gayer and gayer, losing interest in women. I’m fucking scared that I can’t check my madness, I have no ‘bullshit meter’…but I somehow feel that it’s right.

It was infatuation at first sight. A friend of mine showed me his facebook to ask if I thought he was gay, and I sure hoped for her to be right. He was everything I was looking for, except, he was a Taurus. I’ve been wrong about Tauruses plenty times before, this time being another example, and though astrology doesn’t matter much to me now, I always try to keep my feet on the ground when I see a Taurus. Incredible at first, they’ve all turned out to be a major disappointment and a huge mistake. But still, there were so many…signs? that this was right. However, he turned out to be straight and, honestly, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with such a prick.

Such resiliance! But those are only my words, my mind that tells me how wrong that boy is for me and that quite frankly he’s just not that into guys. Alas, I still harbor feelings for him. =/

This may be one of two things: Either it’s those usual remnants that linger after every devoted crush or it’s me noticing that there is something still to be done. I can easily go crazy at this point.

If it were to be a sign, if I were supposed to help this guy in some sort of way like I’ve helped before him (that is assuming that it truly is possible to provide help) then I would have to remember one thing: I COME FIRST. Seriously, last time being a “devoted best friend” got me to be anorexic, co-dependant and a stalker, so I don’t exactly carry an all-A’s in my sanity records.

But I’ve been feeling like…I’m ignoring something. And what’s up with me turning gay all of a sudden? Maybe I’m supposed to help another friend, whom I’m already helping unintentionally. Maybe all help provided should be unintentional. Maybe I’m looking too deep into it. Maybe I’m not -supposed- to help someone. Scratch that, I know I’m not -supposed- to help anyone; I choose when to help.

My belief system is such a chaos. So many conflicting ideas coexisting while they all try to evolve and get their way. I would adress myself as a follower of the “you choose your life” but I kind of already believe that there are some things in life that we HAVE to do. Our Personal Legend and such.

I would like to keep rambling but I’m going to give the Tarot a chance. There is no need for me to keep double-guessing when I truly believe your interpretation of the Tarot helps sneak a peek to your real yet hidden desires (and intentions, maybe perhaps knowledge). And yes, I also think some of you, the ‘scientific type’ will mock me for believing in ‘such things’. Well, screw you. I’ll come back to say that I’m with you in a few days.

My own meandering experience.

Funny how with all the ways to connect that we have now, human emotions are the same and petty dilemmas refuse to change. That is why I stop fighting. I accept…I accept that change comes naturally and that rushing in won’t win me a dime.

Maybe I’m not suited to be an over-achiever, maybe I did it wrong; but I do know good things await me in peace. I’m a little scared and I’m a little disappointed, yet I’m glad to be giving up in a struggle where everyone knows how it ends. I’ll stop chasing the flying lovers, I’ll stop betting on love by smoke. Or maybe I won’t. I’m only saying that there’s no need to cry over a foretold tragedy. Cry when it’s time, cry when it’s over…

Accept.

If technology is ruling our life more than it should, if it will all come to a bitter and all-too-soon end, or if we’ll live to see new and brighter ages; it’s all the same. I am here, now.

And ’tis is all I have. Because the greeks and trojans will boast…and I will twist and turn in ways unimagined.

And we go to school…what for?

What’s the point of school nowadays? When information is literally a keystrokes away, why are we still evaluated on our ability to remember? With all the knowledge we have on learning and cognition, schools still work pretty much the same way they used to. We are letting the tradition get the best of its mission, our aims and methods are incongruent.

Here’s a thought: Focusing more on being human rather than what humans have done. I agree on the importance of history, but when I learned how to be a good friend from TV or how to talk to girls from…well, maybe I skipped that class? We should be honest on the point that school is fragmented between various wills (What you, your parents or your teachers expect as the benefits of school differ) so the final outcome is a convulted dough of knowledge and unnecessary rules. This fragmentation of wills is responsible for many of the useless rules we hold in our head, but that not any one of us follow. Furthermore, those that do follow them…are screwed.

Resultantly, school is in many occasions a place for parents to wipe their hands clean of responsability, for teachers to try to lead students down the right path (even though they failed to take it themselves, maybe for reasons other than “not knowing”), for students to complain and for government officials to praise the advancement of humanity. But ultimately, school is a curricular activity, something expected for your résumé.

I do suggest a revaluation of school. A recalibration of our goals, honest expectations and current grounds. I hated PE because that’s where they threw a ball and expected us to “run around, or something”. Many friends detested math; completely understandable as they what they were doing but had the inkling that they should be doing something. I believe those two examples work in the same way.

I propose that school stops being a place to “drop the kids” or “go become intellingenter”. Let’s make it useful, let’s…focus on what we do want instead of what it should be. Many have gone through bad tutelage before and survived it, so wellbeing is not at stake. The risk, however, is that even if we are a society utterly stressed and dissatisfied, we’re still sending our kids to learn the same stuff we did.

Is that reason enough?

The Need for Science II

The need for Science II

Also called the “straight-jacket-process”. I spoke of observation before, but what happens after you’ve observed? I made a terrible mistake in assuming that could be all that is needed, you see, the risk of merely observing leads to assuming you know the cause of the phenomena. First we notice the effect, then we –observe- and see the cause…except we it’s not.

Say you suspect your room mate is stealing your bread, entirely hypothetical. . .so one day you decide to observe what he is making for dinner: and there it is, bread! Let’s get him and get the show over  with!!

BUT! Turns out you’re making the fools’ mistake. My mistake. Many times intuition, instinct and common sense will make great tools and allies, but let’s face it: Life more often than not will prove to be too complex for that. The great risk of merely observing is that if your solution actually happens to work, a belief will be created. All further development will have that as its foundation and a recipe for disaster will have made its way into your kitchen table.

It’s like reading a review for Shakespeare in Middle School, somehow acing the test and then quoting that misinterpreted version for the rest of your life. Believe me, I know about relying on false success.

So what can we do about it? Sure, we can express that we’re almost sure our room mate is stealing the bread, dubbing it a ‘hypothesis’, and at the same time foster a degree of doubt. Two paths will be born then: the path of the cynic and that of the adventurer. Pretty clear what the difference is.

The cynic will know his hypothesis wrong but will look for a clever excuse not to find a right answer while the adventurer will say “Screw you, I want to know what’s really happening” and will jump head-in-honcho to the battle arena, where our next stage will take place.

I love this one: Experimenting! Basically, you take your belief and you try to smash it into a wall. If it actually shatters then it must be false, if it bounces back it must be true. Simple, huh?

Now, my least favorite stage! You know how they say the fool and the wise are actually the same man but in a different life? Well, this is the parting stone! Have you ever watched ‘Dexter’? Well, he’s a blood-splatter analyst. Instead of grossing out and saying “Eww, lots of blood!!!”, he gets close and starts…let’s say this is Observation+, the difference being that you record your findings and you have an idea of what you are trying to find.

But since we didn’t, our process is bogus. What we basically did was leave some more bread outside and see if it disappeared again. Then we measured ‘how much it disappeared’. Now we can record our findings as: “The bread mildly disappeared” or “It disappeared in a 160%!!”…genius.

What went wrong??? Before we head out to the adventure and the savage thing that experimenting can be, we need to design a frame carefully, based on our hypothesis and basically attempt to predict what is going to happen. And that is why I only love Science halfway. It’s like trying to have sex with someone who is wearing 10 sweaters: when you’re finally set the spark will be off.

The painstaking detail is what makes Science so effective and accurate. It’s not that experimenting correctly is so hard, it’s just that the adventurer without memories cannot make use of Science, he cannot grow and he cannot change himself. I like to be the adventurer without memories, but it seems you only get to enjoy it if a scientist was your past self. Otherwise you’re glitched and meant to fail.

Afterall, no fool precedes the hero, heroes are made from wise men attempting to be fools.

Courage.

You won’t find it in the plaza, it will not be seen when it rains.

It is seldom a mask among friends…

But when tides swirl musts, that is what the little whail learns.

Self-Improvement and the Forgetting Curve.

I always got impatient when in lessons. I wanted to learn all that there was and I thought going through all the material would mean I knew all there was in it. If it was a tae kwon do class, I thought that practicing the moves until I got them perfectly right would be enough.

We often feel like this when it comes to self-improvement. We know it isn’t like climbing a staircase, but we feel as if getting to the next step would mean we learned the lesson nice and nifty.

But that’s when you should ask me: “Do you know any Tae Kwon Do, Alan?” so I can cheerfully reply: “No, I don’t know any Tae Kwon Do, thanks for asking.” Simply because spamming a lesson is nowhere to be seen in the true formula for learning a lesson. Time, however, is part of that formula.

http://www.ellaz.com/AIV/Strategy-3.aspx As you can see here, in 3 short days you will forget about 50% of what you had learnt, probably even more. But we surely will remember more with a little reminder, right?

Yes, that is usually how we feel and that is actually what we are encouraged to do. How many times did my math teachers go through old material at the start of the course? It’s okay, just a quick reminder and I’ve got it all back, right? Well no. Whenever a memory is retrieved it is at the same time being forged again, so a quick reminder will work for now, but just keep in mind you’re keeping incomplete knowledge to begin with and then you’re backing it up with even more incomplete knowledge: The quick reminder.

Self-improvement is handled like this many times: We learn something ground-breaking. We try to apply it, and we fail until maybe 4 tries later. We feel that we are the zen masters of compassion/courage/generosity/etc and we move on to the next concept. We feel specially powerful when we get a reminder while in the next topic, but know this: By that time we are carrying incomplete knowledge that, at some point, is bound to fall down into shambles.

This is dangerous. Not only because of the long-term implications, but because this precise pattern leads us to consume self-improvement material like it’s free soda on a hot summer game. We even get our daily dose and we’re good to go! But do you ever look back at what you’ve learned and try to relearn it?

I sure don’t. I write things down once because that way the message gets through better. I rarely read my old posts or writings, and so the never-ending race for self-improvement begins.

I think we need to learn our lessons properly, be it in Tae Kwon Do or in life. We can’t just go from one experience to the next one without reliving the past. I gave that a try and ended up not knowing anything. Just know that you’re not ruminating; we are recalling specific knowledge with the correct timing and forging it again.

Because the Forgetting Curve looks a lot like a enjoyable life: A rollercoaster, but one that gets better.

Knowing when to quit.

I applied to this great place to work, I insisted in going and I was very enthusiastic about it until I heard the only position they had available is a night shift.
Now, I’ve “applied” for night shifts before but I would always end up thrashing them in my mind. But this one I decided not to, because I really liked the place as much as I abhorred night shifts. I delivered a marvellous interview as almost always and they were ready to hire me, but they required to do a reference check. I lies in this area, for convenience I invented I had been employed before when in reality I just helped one day at my aunt’s store.
Checking the references would’ve been easy enough, even the made-up ones, but I think this is where I stopped being passionate at all.
Not only was I applying for a shift I entirely disliked but I also had to keep lying to get a job? No matter how good it was, I didn’t want that and I wasn’t realizing it. Now it was a matter of getting the job for subsistance and not being “unemployed” anymore. I had a tons of reasons but, to be honest, I was deceiving myself as my resistance was as big as that clump of “motivations”.

My old physics professor once taught me that: Change=Gradient/Resistance. He said that was the Universal Law. That is what all things amount to in the end.

So the job offert, even though it was pretty solid at first, has lost power over me and my would-be-employers. I’m waiting for them to make the deal come though and they’re waiting for me to do so. But honestly that’s not what I want. I want to work in The Shock, the videogame I’m developing right on track. I see myself working in a small friend-owned company and not restocking shelves, in a year’s time.

Your motivation to do things is key to getting them done. We shouldn’t fool ourselves to keep going out of sheer stuborness, that is a reason to keep the conflict going, not a reason to resolve it.
It’s good to have deal-breakers, but even better to know what those are.
Identify your deal breakers, get to know them and like a girlfriend learn when their “Nothing’s wrong” means they’re pissed as hell. That’s knowing when to quit, or even better: When to realign your objective.